Anticipation

It's funny.

In recent years, I've literally been on a roller coaster of thoughts.

And although this seems normal, and it probably is -- to me it seems unnatural and odd.

And today, I've realized what it is that makes it seem so weird to me.

I constantly have this anticipation in me, waiting for something exciting to happen in my life.
And because exciting things don't happen to me too often, I slump back into my thoughts and start feeling negative feelings, like lonliness, rejection, stupidity, and so on.

And I constantly compare myself to others who get exciting things in their lives constantly, and I become jealous. Inwardly jealous, which is the worse jealousy of all.

And I know why these people get these exciting things. Because they actually try for it and succeed. They're not scared to actually reach for their dreams and goals.

And for some reason, I am. I'm petrified. And I think that's why I am so introverted when it comes to life. I steer clear of situations and events that could potentially ruin me.

Why? Why can't I just go for my dreams?
Because I think I'm prone to thinking unsuccessfully.